Breakdown, Internal Conflict..

Anticipating this for the next anime season.

I've just sent my Mechanical Engineering folio.. with some stuffs missing which could subtract some marks. Not that I care, frankly I'd rather focus on other stuffs since this is not really my cup of tea.

I've been called by my English teacher for a small 'chat' if not 'counseling'. I was rather surprised that someone actually care about my condition, seeing how he told me that he noticed how I've changed since February and my grades seem to be getting worse unlike last year. I almost shed a tear when he mentioned that, thank goodness I was able to hold myself together or it would be embarrassing considering we talked in the staff room. He commented how I look 'disinterested' during lessons, and proceeded with asking me about it. To be frank, I don't really know what to say. I feel unmotivated for many reasons. I get less attention for my intelligence as well being a passive student. I feel stressed by everyone's mindset when it comes to academic performances. All those 'get straight A's' craps are making me sick, forcing people to become mindless slaves. Not to mention getting THOSE from teachers and parents. Seriously, getting those bloody A grades IS NOT THE BEST THING SINCE A SLICE OF BREAD. That's why I don't really like exam-oriented environment.

Then again, we can all blame the ones that give scholarships to those who have ridiculous amount of A's. Seriously, 21? Are you seriously don't have a life? Then what, let the students who get 8 A's and below rot away? Really, really glad when I heard the ministry is going to limit the number of subjects that can be taken without additional fee. At least some of us could get a scholarship or something.

Getting back on track, when he said that he's sorry that he couldn't cater to my style, I was speechless for I didn't actually follow his lessons since he kept repeating the same stuffs. At that time I agreed with him that most of the students in my class couldn't really catch up with the lessons. Even though they are kinda slow, and at times fall asleep during lessons, I really admire their abilities to understand and work together. They usual doing revisions together during exam period, something which I have a problem doing so. Even though some of them are delinquents, but they are really nice and good chaps. Quite sad that some teachers couldn't see the bright side of them.

I really need to reorganise myself. I need something, or someone to motivate me. A reason for me to keep on fighting for my future. With that, I sincerely pray to guidance in this harsh time as SPM is getting near.